Forbidden Histories 0

“Good morning listeners! It’s 2 AM and I am pleased to welcome you back to Forbidden Histories, America’s only honest radio show. I’m your host, Dr. Zachary Burns, bringing you stories of the extraordinary, the spectacular, the paranormal and the peculiar. We’ve got a hell of a show for you tonight, folks, hell of a show. Our first patriot is calling all the way from Colorado, the Rockies, to alert this fine nation of the secret cabal that has infiltrated our government. And our second guest, well, our second guest has a fiery tale about his encounter with a demonic being in the hills of the American Southwest. You know the drill, America- we’ll open the lines after each interview so you can call in with your questions and your appreciation. Let’s get a quick word from our sponsor, Goldman’s Gold Exchange, and then we’ll jump straight into the interview.”

Zachary transferred the line to the commercial while he looked over his notes for the night. He ran his hand through this thinning hair, feeling the small halo of exposed scalp, and made a mental note to check up on whether any of their sponsors specialised in hair loss treatment. Looking through his notes on the first caller, he saw her hypothetical form revolving in his minds’ eye. Woman in her mid-40s, emaciated, straw-like hair, perpetually clad in a nightdress and slippers, single, probably spent more on feeding her cats than on feeding herself. He took a sip of coffee and one more glance at the notes as his producer signaled him from his booth, counting down until he was back on the air. Sitting up straight and clearing his throat, Zachary powered up his microphone.

“That was Goldman’s Gold Exchange, the fairest gold exchange business this side of the Pacific. Remember, folks, that paper in your wallet will one day be useless, but gold never loses its value. Now, I’m very excited to bring on our first guest tonight, a patriot named Mary who has learned of a secret cabal of genetically modified subversives who are attempting to control every aspect of our government and, by extension, our lives. Not that we would allow them to, of course, but that doesn’t stop them from trying. Now, live from Colorado, here’s Mary!”

Signaling to his producer, white noise filtered into his headphones. He waited a moment, hearing the faint sound of a cat’s meow. “Welcome to Forbidden Histories, Mary, you’re on the air.”

A few more moments passed, and when he got no response from the end he tried to prompt her with, “Mary? Mary, hon, are you there? You’re on the air.”

Suddenly, her voice exploded onto his headphones, amplified by her radio playing in the background. “Oh my- oh my goodness! Dr. Burns, is that really you?”

Zachary winced, pulling the headphones away from his ears while saying, “The one and only, my dear. Quickly, though, before we continue, would you mind turning your radio down?”

“Oh, um, of course! Let me- Mittens, get down from there!”

Zachary heard the sound of smashing crockery followed by the indignant screech of a cat, and a few moments later Mary said, “Is that better, Dr. Burns? Can you hear me better?”

“Absolutely, Mary, I can hear you just fine.”

“Oh thank goodness, thank goodness. I must say, Dr. Burns, I absolutely love your show and listen to it every chance I get. It is just so comforting knowing that there is someone in this country that doesn’t believe the lies being fed to the general public.”

“Well Mary, I take pride in the courage our program and its producers show in daring to speak out against what is considered common knowledge, and of course the fact that patriots like you are willing to call in and share the truth. Now, as I understand it, you have recently come across knowledge that a secret cabal has infiltrated the government, correct?”

Zachary glanced down at his notes, reviewing what she had told the producers, as she stammered out a reply. After a few agonizing moments of listening to her try to force the words out, she finally blurted out, “Bird people!”

Zachary cocked an eyebrow, waiting for her to say something else, and then gently prompted her with, “Mary, are you saying that bird people have infiltrated our government?”

Waiting on her, he re-lit his cigar with his gold-plated lighter.  Puffing on it with his eyes closed, he quietly hoped that she wouldn’t prattle on for too long.  “Yes! Bird people. Bird people and their agenda have taken over the highest levels of our government, trying to control the United States of America!”

“That is fascinating, Mary, and it sounds quite concerning. What is it that the bird people are trying to do?”

“They’re trying to turn us into bird people! That’s why the government has started putting fluoride in the water the water, you know. People, you know, scientists have found research that shows that fluoride make your bones hollow! Like birds! Can you believe that, Dr. Burns?”

Taking a quick sip of coffee, Zachary replied, “Mary, dear, I could believe anything you told me. How is it you found this out?”

Mary continued to speak, breathless in her excitement. “Well, you see, my cat Mittens, he hates birds. And I noticed that ever since this new president and this democratic congress have come into power, every time they’re on the news Mittens just starts acting crazy, like there’s a bird around. But there’s not any birds in my house, not anymore, and it was only when they were on the TV that he acted like that, so I started watching real careful, real careful, and I could see feathers on the Secret Service agents! Feathers, Dr. Burns! They tried to hide them but couldn’t, not from me. If you watch real careful, you’ll see them under their shirts, though maybe now that I’m on the radio they’ll start to hide them better.”

Absentmindedly nodding as he exhaled smoke, Zachary asked, “That’s very concerning, Mary. Do you know how long the bird people have been infiltrating our government like this?”

“Yes, yes, I do, I do. It’s been going on since the 1950s. Operation Paperclip, you know, that’s where it all started-“

Cutting her off, Zachary leaned forward into the microphone and said, “For the younger listeners in the audience, Operation Paperclip was a United States operation after World War II that brought Nazi scientists over to our great nation to harness their scientific abilities for the space program and the like.  A necessary evil to keep the Communists from our door.”

“Yes, yes, that’s it,” continued Mary, “Operation Paperclip. The scientists, you know, some of them were getenic, uh, tecengic, uh, DNA specialists. And, um, well, one of the things they tried doing was splicing person DNA with eagle DNA. The Nazis loved eagles, I’m sure you know, they had eagles on everything. And they wanted to make eagle people, you know, what they called adler menschen. That’s German for bird people. That was what Hitler really wanted, that was his idea of a pure race, a race of warrior eagle people! But they ran out of time when we landed at Normandy, God bless our troops. But some of those scientists got brought over during Operation Paperclip and continued their experiments in secret! They kidnapped hard working American citizens and turned them into Hitler’s warrior eagle people, and since eagles have small brains they were able to more easily brainwash them with Nazi beliefs. And since the scientists were so high up in our government, it was easy to plant the bird people there! And that’s what they’ve been doing ever since, slowly taking over our government with Nazi bird people.“

Leaning forward with his cigar in his mouth, he bent to scratch his nose and accidentally dropped ash in his coffee mug.  Trying to keep himself from swearing on air while simultaneously scrambling to keep the conversation going, he asked, “Mary, have you shared this with anyone else?” as he signaled to his producer, Rick, for another cup of coffee.  Rick rolled his eyes and waved down an employee of the studio, and Zachary was pleased to see him head towards the break room.

“Uh-huh, uh-huh, I’ve told all the girls at church about it,” she said, scarcely able to get one syllable out before stumbling to the next, “Doris is my best friend but she thinks I’m crazy for not believing that Reptilians are controlling us.  Isn’t that the craziest thing, thinking reptiles could do a thing like that?  She is kind of slow, though, God bless her.  My daddy was in the war, you know, and told me all about the Nazis, and kept telling me about them even when everyone said he had gone a bit of funny, God rest his soul.  That’s how I know it’s the Nazis, only the Nazis could do something like this.”

The man returned with a cup of coffee and handed it to Zachary, who gave his silent thanks.  He carefully placed it away from him and asked, “Mary, do you suspect that the President is one of the bird people?”

“I don’t think so, Dr. Burns.  I know his closest Secret Service agents are, and I know most members of Congress are along with the Vice President, but I don’t think the President is yet, though it’s only a matter of time.  It’s only a matter of time before they get him.  They’re already putting policies into place for their bird people agenda, and soon they’ll start killing off anyone who refuses to go along with it or can’t survive the operation. That’s why so many Jews died in the Holocaust, you know, they tried to change them but Jewish DNA is weak and they’re barely fit-”

Zachary’s eyes went wide when he realized which direction this was going and he signaled to his producer to cut the call.  He felt a huge wave of relief when the other end of the line went silent, knowing he dodged an earful from his sponsors.  With the practiced smoothness of a man well-versed in lurching from one potential PR catastrophe to the next, he said, “It looks like we’ve lost the call with the Mary, though all of that was very eye opening, very scary stuff.  It’s very brave of her to come forward with this information and alert us to the danger, so we can all stay vigilant against it.  If anyone else hears anything of a similar nature, I encourage you to come forward with your info.

“Unfortunately, since we lost the call, we will not be able to do any sort of Q&A with Mary, so I guess we’ll go ahead and move to our next guest.  His name is Jack, he’s a former firefighter from the Southwest and he has a very interesting tale about his encounter with a demonic entity that is only known as the ‘Ash Man’. So while we get him on the line, we’ll hear another word from one of our sponsors, Sullivan’s Survival Crackers.  You’re listening to Forbidden Histories, folks, stay tuned for what comes after the break.”